Family Matters

Celebrations to remember

Often, I will ask my wife what this article should be about. She is usually willing to make a few suggestions. When I asked her about this week’s article, she suggested “Something about the fourth of July.” I reminded her that the fourth of July would already be over by the time the article was published. She continued to push and reminded me that it would be only the latest fourth of July to be remembered.

I relented and decided I would follow her suggestion. The fourth of July is one of those holidays which pulls families together. I would imagine that if you think back over the years to those fourth of July holidays that you remember, it would have to do with family togetherness and times spent with the family on a hot fourth of July. What kinds of days do you recall. What was it that made the memory.

I remember eating cold watermelon and drinking ice cold lemonade until it began to get dark enough to light our fireworks. When I was young, I got to hold sparklers and even Roman candles. (That was before the day when they put warnings on them that you were not to hold them.) My dad bought fireworks for me until I got old enough to have a job and purchase my own. I never made enough money to buy very many fireworks, but when I paid for them myself, I assumed they were mine and not my little brother’s.

What was it that made your fourth of July memorable. I remember my mother did not enjoy the fire crackers because of the noise. She did like the kinds of fireworks that made pretty colors so we could all ooh and ah them. But by the end of the day she would be getting a little jumpy because she did not like the constant popping of firecrackers.

I have some unpleasant memories from this holiday. I remember having a firecracker go off just as I was releasing it. There were some blisters on my hand and I learned the hard way to be extra cautious when it came to lighting a firecracker in my hand and then trying to throw it. Because I used to go barefooted during the summer, I also remember stepping on a sparkler someone had thrown on the ground. It was still glowing red and it raised a blister on my foot. There was one occasion when my mother started the car only to have it begin to whistle followed by a loud report. She was obviously scared until she saw two of my older cousins standing off to one side laughing.

Homemade ice-cream was often a part of the festivities and I could always eat a lot of that. It was made from real cream and was extremely rich. What a pleasant memory!! Actually, I could eat more than my fair share of the ice cream.

What kind of memories come to your mind about the fourth of July when you think back over the fourths from the past? Hopefully your memories are pleasant and about family times.

Little Things Mean A Lot

Back in my high school days there was a romantic love song with the title “Little things mean a lot.” I used to be able to sing it. My wife and I both knew part of it and together we did believe that little things mean a lot in a relationship. Phrases like, “Brush my hair as you pass my chair,” or “Say I look nice when I’m not,” were a part of that song. We both like the song and believe that the words are true.

It is not the big things that make for an enduring relationship, rather it will be the little things which cement the relationship together. I’m convinced that it would not be something huge that would break our marriage. Rather it would be the constant ignoring of the little things. I confess that Lou is much better at remembering the little things than I am. She is constantly forgiving me when I am wrong. She knows how to let me know I am loved by giving me notes when I least expect them.

I should learn to compliment her more than I do–especially for little things. I probably should touch her more than I do. It wouldn’t hurt me to prepare her meals more often. Several years ago we took a trip to New Zealand and were permitted to stay in the home of one of the families we had met. In the morning I got up early and went out to den of the home. I passed by the kitchen and there in his robe was the husband preparing some hot tea and toast to take to his wife. I rather jokingly said “Do you do that often.” He replied very seriously, “I do this every morning. Don’t you do something like this for your wife?” I had to admit the truth. I usually do not do that sort of thing but perhaps I should.

Can you think of some little things to show your spouse that you love him/her? I came across some lists which would help in that department. Wives you could send him off each day and welcome him home with a kiss and a smile. You could say “I’m sorry” when you are wrong and forgive him when he is wrong. Leave him a voice mail message telling him that you love him. Write down a list of reasons you love him and then share them with him over a romantic dinner.

Husbands there is a list for you as well. Be accessible to her–always. Tell her where you will be and how long you will be gone. Repeat your wedding vows often and remind her that if you had it all to do over you would still choose her. Call her during the day just to say hello. Serve her breakfast in bed. Send her cards and love notes. Hold her hand.

Both lists could get much longer, but the message is still little things mean a lot. Celebrating your love does not have to be extravagant and showy. It does need to be consistent and steady.

Managing the Family Money

Upon more than one occasion I have noted that money is a subject of major importance in a marriage. Differences about the use of family money can bring a marriage down. Agreement can help a couple find great freedom and enjoyment. I confess that my wife probably understands money far better than I. I often defer to her when it comes to issues about the dollar. I recently found an article about “house rules” for the use of money. Let me list some of them for you.

Have a rule that neither can make a purchase of $200 or more without consulting the other. The point of such a rule is to get you to discuss with each other your spending.

Another useful rule is that in the event of making a major purchase, both must vote in the affirmative. To make a major purchase without consulting the other creates mistrust.

A couple needs to agree that there will be no financial secrets. Again the issue is one of trust. This keeps the level of trust high and there are no surprises which catch you off guard.

The article I was reading suggests that there be no financial tit-for-tat. It would be a bit foolish to try to outspend your spouse. If a husband plays golf, it could take a great deal of money. For the wife to think she must spend as much on her hobby as the husband spends on golf would be a bit childish.

Both should pledge to establish a plan to meet on a regular basis to discuss the family finances. Such a practice will keep the couple aware of where they are financially.

When the couple meets they need to agree that all discussions about finances will be conducted in a respectful manner. Do not raise voices, no cussing, no degrading of the other person.

The couple needs to agree to operate under a budget and agree to adhere to it. This rule helps the couple to know the upper limits of spending on gifts for the children and for each other. Then when one of them goes shopping, one does not have to worry that the person doing the shopping will go overboard in spending.

It is good to have one of the parties be designated as the money manager in the household.

No doubt the rules will occasionally be broken. But having them as a baseline of how to conduct family business will help the couple get back on track if the rules have been broken. I know these rules sound very formal, but if you want financial peace in your family, they are worth talking about. In my household, we are not so formal, but we do many of these things because we have learned that they work.

Things My Dad Told Me

It was just about five weeks ago that we honored our mothers. Now Father’s Day is approaching and it is time to honor our Fathers. I know that there are some fathers who are not worthy of honor. They have been unkind, or even cruel to their children. Some have been lazy and unwilling to support their families. Some have questionable values. Those are things I would never say about my own father. In fact, I want to remember some of the things my dad told me. They are things that he may not have spoken verbally, but he told me by the way he lived.

One thing he told me was “Be responsible.” By that he meant I was to own my behaviors. If I did something, I was not to lie about it or deny it, but to accept the consequences of my behavior. If I made a debt, I was to pay it not shirk it.

Dad also taught me that a man’s word is his bond. If my dad said he would do something, he would do it. He could go into a bank and borrow money over his signature even if he did not have adequate collateral. A handshake was as good as a contract. Consequently, he did not think highly of someone who said he would do something and then never do it.

My dad also had a good work ethic. He once told me that most employers did not expect you to hurry, but they did expect you to work consistently. Do not play around, but stay with the task at hand. After my senior year in college, I worked for a man who had been a contract painter. He was to oversee all of the painting on the college campus. He carried a pocket watch in the bib of his overalls. Occasionally, he would walk around to the side of the house I would be painting, pull out his watch as if to tell the time, look at it and put it back. I knew exactly what he was doing. He was wanting to know if I had been playing off on the job. He knew exactly the amount of paint I could put on a wall in a given amount of time. When I quit that job at the end of summer to move to Fort Worth, he said he had appreciated my attitude toward work and he was willing to recommend me to the union in Fort Worth if I wanted to get an apprentice card and continue painting. I considered that a high compliment coming from him.

By example my dad told me to always honor my family. I was to respect my wife and care for her. I was to spend time with my family and enjoy watching my sons grow. I played baseball and football in the backyard with my boys. I took them camping and tried to attend to their needs. I never remember a time I could not swim, but I can remember my dad teaching me to swim in the muddy Little Washita River–which was not a river at all, but a creek with a few fishing holes. He taught me how to fish and shoot a gun. There was never any doubt that my dad cared for me and my brother. My dad died 22 years ago, but I continue to pay attention to the things he told me.

Being on the same page

When it comes to parenting your children are you and your spouse on the same page? Hopefully you are. However, you won’t know until you talk about it. Parents need to take time to talk with each other. I have noticed that there are times when couples try to talk and their children want to interrupt. They think they have a right to know what the parents are talking about. In fact some children almost refuse to let the parents have a private conversation.

I know that some children will interpret the parents taking some personal time as a form of rejection. If you are a child-centered family, the child may naturally assume his wants and wishes are to come first. This makes it extremely difficult for the couple to have any kind of intimate conversation without the child. However, if the parents cannot talk without interruptions, how can they talk about the kinds of things important to parenting?

Most couples need time to talk intimately without the children intruding into the discussion. Remind the child that adult communication is very important and you need to spend a little time together. You may have to start with only a very few minutes. You may have to use a kitchen timer and assure your child that when the timer goes off, you will listen to what they need to say. If you constantly let the child interrupt the conversation, the child will continue to believe that what he has to say is more important than the conversation you are trying to have with your spouse.

I recommend that couples practice spending a little time each day in conversation with each other. I’m not suggesting that the communication time be used to catch up on what happened during the day. Questions about the job, or the neighbors, the car, or extended family are important, but the conversation time I am talking about is that tender and intimate time you spend with a spouse just because that time is important to both of you. It is a time you use to build intimacy into your marriage. That time together begins to assure you that the two of you are on the right page. Actually, it is a time for you as a couple to reconnect after being apart for the day.

This is a technique to make sure you nurture your relationship once children are a part of your home. It is an important time that if neglected will contribute to the erosion of your marriage. I understand that children want the attention of one or both of their parents, but it is also important for the couple to be able to share some intimate time together. That kind of time together allows the couple to parent their children as a team. The children will know that they are important because the parents take time for each other.

Perhaps this sounds small and unimportant, but ask any couple who happens to practice this technique and they can assure you of its importance.

End of Life Issues

When I was a lad growing up in Southwestern Oklahoma, I recall that when the elderly were ill and very feeble, they were permitted to die at home surrounded by family and friends. Then there came a period where people were sent to the hospital to receive medical care and to die. That’s the reason an acquaintance would not go to the hospital. He kept saying, “The hospital is where people are sent to die.” Regardless of how the family tried to convince him otherwise, he would not go to the hospital. Consequently, his healing was delayed, but he felt as if he had done the right thing.

In the past, I have talked about the family life cycle. It is a way of looking at the family from a developmental model. It arbitrarily begins with that stage called the “single adult” and passes through the numerous other stages until it ends with “retirement.” Retirement is that stage which has numerous end of life matters to deal with. Where this was once a matter of private concerns, it has now become a matter where the medical field attempts to surround the family with a caring medical person and others who are trained to help a person deal with the end of life.

This new approach–which is not really new at all–is known as hospice. Hospice care occurs when a cure is not possible and there is a limited life expectancy. The goal is to provide comfort and quality of life.

Should your doctor put you or your family in touch with hospice, it is not about death and dying. Rather it is about living well and connecting with those you love for every moment possible. I have a friend who was a pastor for many years. He resigned his church and began to receive clinical pastoral education. The past several years he has served as a hospice chaplain. He tells me that for the first time in many years, he feels as if he is truly ministering. He reminds me that every visit he makes will focus on the key issues of the person who is ill.

I would think that when a person is told by his physician that he does not have a long time to live he would want to be surrounded by family and friends. It is true that when a person is critically ill he or she may not want to talk about departing this life. But when push comes to shove, a person usually wants to talk with friends about his impending death.

Originally, the word hospice was a name given in medieval times for a way station where pilgrims could be replenished and receive care as they made their journey to the Holy Land. In the long ago when I was a lad, death took place in the family home and was accepted as natural. Now with the advent of hospice care, it is once again a natural event where a person is surrounded by caring people who are there to look after the family. It means that a person will not have to die alone.

Conflict and Marriage

A minister used to say that the recessional of a wedding ceremony should be the hymn, “The Fight Is On.” The marriage therapist, Carl Whitaker, used to say that from the time a couple is married each is trying to shape the marriage so that it feels comfortable. So who will win the struggle? Will the marriage look like that of the bride’s parents or will it look like the marriage of the groom’s parents? Each struggles to produce a relationship in which he or she can feel comfortable.

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. It will take place and the quicker a couple can learn to resolve conflict, the longer the marriage will last. In fact, when talking with couples who have been married for a long time it seems that one reason they have stayed together is that they have very little conflict.

A researcher at the University of Washington by the name of John Gottman studied more than 2000 married couples over a period of twenty years and found that the ability to resolve conflicts is a key to a lasting marriage. He has found that there are three types of healthy marriages on the basis of conflict resolution. The first type is what he calls “validating marriages.” These couples are able to discuss problems and work out a solution in a spirit of compromise.

A second type is “conflict-avoiding marriages.” These couples avoid any kind of confrontation. They either choose to ignore their differences, let time heal their problems, or one will go along with the other. The companionship in these marriages is low. They can survive over the years, but they simply do not deal with issues over which there is conflict.

The third kind of marriage is “volatile marriages.” These couples show more intense positive and negative emotions. They believe in honesty and they express their thoughts without much censoring. This approach causes a lot of hurt, but the passionate and positive expression of love seems to compensate for the hurt.

When Lou and I lead a marriage enrichment experience, we always try to spend some time with a conflict resolution exercise. We believe that a couple needs to learn how to deal with conflict without becoming so angry they destroy the relationship. I tend to believe that the manner in which a couple deals with conflict before their marriage is a clue to how they will deal with it after they are married. A part of pre-marital counseling should focus on how the couple deals with conflict. How parents dealt with conflict may model how a young person will deal with it in his or her own marriage. I am certainly not saying that couples should never disagree. They will disagree frequently. But when the difference arises, they need to know how to deal with it without walking away from the marriage and each other.

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE

June is almost here and there will be a rash of June weddings. Now that school is almost over, couples have waited about as long as they want to so they will be marching down church isles and standing amidst beautiful flowers. If a couple has been in college, now they can finally tie the knot. Some youngsters just out of high school will try it as well. The older couple will have a better chance of a successful marriage. At least, all of the studies suggest that.

In a few years, those who so blissfully get married next month will be talking about a divorce. Some will even follow through on getting out of the marriage. Are there any hints about the kind of relationships which will survive the wear and tear of the years? Let me give you some things I personally know will help you in the relationship called marriage.

First, marry someone you like. Too many couples get married because they are turned on to each other. While that is important, it is far more important to like the person you marry. I have seen too many couples who do not like each other and soon their relationship will dissolve.

Keep your expectations realistic. Years ago I counseled a young woman who was talking about a divorce because her husband did not keep her on a pedestal after they were married. She saw herself as a princess and her husband was to place her on a pedestal and keep her there. This is not a very realistic expectation, yet this is what she said she wanted. Needless to say, the marriage did not last.

Avoid taking yourself too seriously. Marriage is serious and is meant to be taken very seriously. In fact the marriage ceremony in the ministers’ book has the words, “. . .is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God.” Such heavy words suggest that marriage itself is serious business. However, just because marriage is serious, does not mean that the partners must take themselves seriously. They need to see the lighter moments in their relationship and learn to laugh with each other–not at each other, but with.

Not only should you like the person you marry, but you need to respect your spouse. If you do not respect each other, it matters little how much you turn each other on with sexual desire, the odds are that without mutual respect, you will not be able to survive the years. If you value honesty and you discover your spouse cheats on his income tax, the relationship will erode with time.

When the giddiness of the wedding passes, you will need a good sense of humor to live out your days with the person you like and respect and the one with whom you are setting up your expectations. To all of you who are planning a June wedding, I wish you long life and happiness. I hope you have made your choice of a life’s mate wisely.

A SPECIAL DAY

At this stage in my life my memory seems to be slipping away, so I don’t remember where or when the episode occurred, but I remember the words of my mother very plainly. She was talking about my birth. She may have been talking to my wife just before she delivered our first son or she may have been talking to someone else. But her words were, “I remember how proud I felt. I felt as if I had done something no one else had ever done. No one else could do what I had just done.” She was talking about my birth.

I don’t know that all women feel that way. My own wife came awfully close to that with the delivery of our sons. Most mothers feel that the delivery of their child is very special. It is a momentous occasion and is to be celebrated. With my mother feeling that my birth was so special, why shouldn’t I return the favor by letting mom know that she is special as well? Since my mother passed away in 1994, I no longer have the opportunity to celebrate Mother’s Day with her, but I certainly remember her even though she is gone.

This weekend, more cards will be given than at almost any other time of the year. Children will be making special gifts at school and they will bring them home and proudly give them to their mothers who will be appreciative and display the gift in some prominent place in the home. I suppose in one way when I celebrated Mother’s Day with my mom, I was actually celebrating the day I was born. At least my mother’s reaction and behavior would indicate that was the case.

Over the years I have had occasion to deal with mothers who seem to fall short of the ideal. They have been abusive to their children. They have neglected their offspring and behaved as if the children were of no consequence. Since the model of motherhood was very different for me, I have difficulty understanding how some of these mothers can behave as they do. My mother saw to it that my clothes were always clean. I remember watching my mother sprinkle and iron my clothes. (Most people don’t know what sprinkling clothes is all about–if you don’t take the time to ask some older people.) She was up early on Monday mornings so she could get to the laundry and get back home to put the clothes on the line to dry before she would get me and my brother up and fix our breakfast.

Our three sons are now grown and have children of their own. In fact our eldest even has grandchildren of his own. But their mother continues to show that motherly concern which made her special to them and showed them that they were special to her. I often get telephone calls from one of the boys and we will not have talked very long until he asks, “Is mom there?” I know they care about me, but I also know that their mom is very special to them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. To all mothers every where, I wish you a very happy Mother’s Day. Enjoy the day–after all it is yours.

GETTING OUT

The newspaper is carrying announcements of baccalaureates and the seniors are thinking the end of school is near. With May here already, it is time to begin to plan the summer for the family. Hopefully you have the creativity to plan family time out of doors. Don’t allow the family activities to center around the television set, or video games. Spring and summer bring us the kind of weather we were wanting back in January. We need to get out and enjoy it.

If your family hasn’t the time to go to one of the local lakes for a picnic and a day together, then you can always try the backyard cookout. Just move out side for a change of pace. Use the spring and summer to plan family events that are out of the ordinary. There are a lot of reasons to plan outdoor fun for the family.

One reason to take family events to the out of doors is to get out of the rut your family has claimed during the late fall and winter. Someone has said that a rut is just a grave with both ends knocked out of it. When the family gets out, suddenly there is a new look on life. The world is very limited when every activity is planned for being inside. When you move out of doors, the world is much larger and more invigorating.

One of the complaints we constantly hear about is that of childhood obesity. (Never mind the obesity of adults.) When children are outside, they get more exercise and that’s got to be good for them. In addition the sunshine provides them with plenty of vitamin D. When we get out in the fresh air and sunshine, it is good for us.

Perhaps the summers are not what they were when I was growing up. I grew up in a small town in southwestern Oklahoma that had very little for young people to do. As I got older, my friends and I would ride our bicycles out to the local swimming holes and we would spend the afternoon splashing around in the water. We would pick up some cantaloupes at the local grocery on the way out of town and when we got to the swimming hole, we would put them in a shallow area where the water could keep them cool until we were ready to eat them. Somehow we always managed to find plenty to do without getting into trouble.

Nowadays there is plenty for young people to do. There are planned activities for the children and plenty of organized sports in which to take part. Even with all of that, there will be a lot of youngsters who complain that there is nothing to do. My mother used to say, “Go outside and play.” I did and there was always something to do. We built scooters, rubber guns, put on plays in the neighbor’s garage and in general enjoyed the opportunity to be outside. I just hope you can get your kids to feel as excited about the days ahead as I feel about remembering the days when I could go outside and play.

AFTER THE TRAUMA

A psychiatric diagnosis is being thrown around these days because of the war in Iraq and the tragic events on the campus of Virginia Tech. I want you to know what that means before you toss it about lightly. Actually it became a diagnostic label during the Vietnam war. I suspect that men who served in World War II may have experienced the same symptoms, but we just didn’t know what to call it. The reality of this label has been around for a long time, but now we have a label to hang on the reality. The label is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

For a stressor to qualify for this label it must be of an extreme nature. It should be considered by the individual to be life-threatening. The person’s response to the event is that of intense fear, helplessness or even horror. The traumatic event is then re-experienced in one of many ways. There may be distressing memories of the event such as images, thoughts or perceptions. There can be distressing dreams of the event and these dreams may be in the form of nightmares. A person may behave as if the event is recurring and this may be the result of flashbacks. There can be physiological reactivity if there is exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

The testimonies of the students at Virginia Tech let us know how frightened they were. They said they did not know whether they would live or die. My best guess is that there will be several young people who were so frightened that they will have nightmares in the days ahead. If they continue to have the symptoms mentioned above for more than a month, they need to seek help.

This is especially true if the symptoms bring about impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

There are several other kinds of symptoms which may be present. For example; efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings or conversations associated with the trauma, efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma, feelings of detachment or estrangement from others, restricted affect–for example being unable to have loving feelings or perhaps a sense of a foreshortened future.

Reports from the middle east suggest that many of the children experience PTSD. They are young, but they have witnessed numerous atrocities which were life-threatening to them. People who have been in automobile accidents in which someone was killed and they barely escaped with their own life will sometimes experience posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms. Any number of traumatic events can trigger the symptoms of PTSD.

I can only hope that some of the young people who were terrified victims on the campus of Virginia Tech will not be ashamed to seek out help later. It would be a mark of wisdom.

Maintaining Relationships

It takes a considerable amount of energy and time to maintain a friendship. One may boast of his many friends, but if there is no energy put into somehow maintaining those relationships, I would have to question the depth of those friendships. One can have many acquaintances but it takes a lot of effort to develop and cultivate those acquaintances into friendships.

I have a friend in Houston, Texas who goes back some 42 years. We have maintained the friendship by means of regular cassette tape recordings. I constantly have a little cassette recorder up to my mouth when I am driving. A person asked me what that little black box I was holding was all about. He could not believe that I had kept a relationship going by tape that long. If I am not talking, I am listing to him on my tape player in my car. There are about four others who send me tapes, but the greatest amount of energy goes into that one relationship. We have had the opportunity to spend some time together, face to face, in all those years on about four occasions.

I was able to walk with him by way of recordings through a painful divorce. He shared with me the development of a new relationship and a marriage. I was glad I could be there for him. He has also been there when I needed a friend with whom to share my pain. I give thanks for him and for our relationship. Even though we are separated by the miles, I don’t know of anyone with whom I have a deeper relationship. Recently, when I was feeling frustrated and depressed because of my diabetes, my wife suggested that I fly to Houston and spend some time with Bill. I chose not to go to Houston, but he is friend enough that he would have welcomed me and spent time with me. The recordings are not as good as a telephone conversation, but they are more intimate and personal than a letter. Each tape is an hour–thirty minutes per side. Over forty-two years that’s a good amount of time we have given to cultivate our relationship.

What do you do to develop and cultivate your relationships? I have heard people declare that people around here are not friendly, but I wonder what they have done to cultivate a relationship. One has to work at the task of keeping a relationship alive. I had a friend in Kansas City with whom I also exchanged tapes. One day I got a tape from him in which he explained that talking on the tape just took a lot of time and energy and he felt that he no longer had the energy to put into doing the tapes. I was greatly saddened, but I let that relationship go.

I was a member of a social club in college. We had as a motto, “If you want a friend, be one.” I believe that to be true. I believe a proverb has it, “He who would have friends, must prove himself friendly.” You can’t just sit back and turn into yourself and expect to have a lot of friends. You have to be friendly and work at relationships.